"Yes, we've run some extensive experiments, all of which have turned back similar results," reports Dr Thomas Laundryroom of The Royal Institute of Not Being a Moron at Football Matches.
"We had previously concluded that 'it's not that hard' to not take fire-based annoyances to sporting events, but more recently we've discovered that the more accurate answer is that 'it's really easy, you inconceivable dullard'."
And Blues fans have been rocked by the news.
"This is going to revolutionise the way I watch my football," said terrace regular Gordon Tightjeans. "I've always gone the footy with a lighter and a smoke device. That's just how my dad taught me. I didn't think you could get in without one. I'm gonna save so much money now I realise that I don't have to be an attention-grabbing child."
Other fans have dismissed the findings.
"I only go to football matches with the express intention of making life difficult for people with respiratory problems," confirmed Degsy Coolcap of the H-Block youth movement. "If I'm now being told I've gotta watch the togga without choking an asthmatic, then I'm sorry but that's political correctness gone mad!"
Elsewhere, some clown probably said "no pyro, no party", like that's a thing.
Meanwhile, further studies have shown a startling correlation between the sorts of fans who moan about price hikes and the sorts of fans who don't care that their behaviour may result in club fines.
